News & Mail

Dear Carlos,

As you know, I will be ending the comic strip "Cathy" after 34 years. How do you think I should end it?

Cathy Guisewite
Los Angeles, CA

Carlos Replies:

As quickly as possible.

* * * * *

Dear Carlos,

How serious is the problem with drug-related deaths in Mexico?

Jan Brewer
Governor of Arizona

Carlos Replies:

Still minor, compared to those who are dying from prescription overdoses in these United States.

All that sun has done wonders for your skin, my sweet desert rose. Maybe you need a larger sombrero?

* * * * *

Dear Carlos,

As you know, I recently spent some time in jail. Now that I am out, I am looking for new movie projects, and was wondering if you had come across any scripts that might be right for me?

Lindsay Lohan
Hollywood, CA

Carlos Replies:

Hello LiLo!

Good news, bad news babe.

Bad news: Most of what's out there is beneath your level of talent.

Good news: I am writing something JUST FOR YOU!

It's to be called "Chained Heat 2: Busty & Busted"! It will be the perfect bursting out vehicle for one of your stature.

My screenplay is completely original and has "Oscar" written all over it! And (unlike the 1983 original), it will be both factual and reflective of our times! For instance, immediately after being sent to jail in California, you are informed that budget cuts mean that there is no money for uniforms, and all the lady prisoners must go nude.

The exercise yard has also been closed, so for exercise all the ladies huddle into tight groups in the showers to wash each other. (The shower scene is probably 2/3 of the movie at this point.)

Sadly, I may have to pass on the R rating rather than compromise my artistic vision ...

But I am reticent to say too much here. Hollywood is desperate for new ideas, and I don't want someone ripping off this project and doing a straight-to-video production starring someone like Meryl Streep.

Have your people call my people, babe, and we'll do lunch (at the bar).

Love ya!

Carlos

* * * * *